A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
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Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Big Sex has us all fooled
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.