[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
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Every haunted house movie:
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I love you…
…r dog.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?