I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
You Might Also Like
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.