Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
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I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range