Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
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sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Have kids, they said
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.