This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
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Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.