triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
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“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened