Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
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Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
This is true.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.