tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
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you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]