My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
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8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.