When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
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Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird