DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
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PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.