It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
You Might Also Like
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Are you a cat person or a person person?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.