Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
You Might Also Like
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.