Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
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Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Google assistant rules
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.