Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
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My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.