twitter is a journey
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Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
an octopus is just a wet spider
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien