I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
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like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.