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Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀