My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
You Might Also Like
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
“You drive, I’m tired.”
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?