Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
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I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
doing your own taxes
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”