Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
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Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.