mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
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I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Danger is very dangerous
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.