Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
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I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Okay
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
No laws when master is gone
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse