OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
You Might Also Like
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.