Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
You Might Also Like
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
happy friday
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.