yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
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Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I have a place for everything. The floor.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy