Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
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Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi