job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
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Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
channeling her this year
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.