Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Labreador
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal