Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
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Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
For cardio I live beyond my means.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer