[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
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me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.