Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
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Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
how to exercise your calf muscles
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman