Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
You Might Also Like
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Me in tagged photos
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”