Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
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The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.