i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
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1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Oh we’ve met.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.