[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
You Might Also Like
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Erm I’m gonna say no
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!