You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
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Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*