[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
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My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works