barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
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(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore