Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
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Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
(2022)
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?