Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
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what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
At an art museum and I thought this was art
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.