if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
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My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
A saltwater crocodile鈥檚 bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 馃槙
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
#gardening
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn鈥檛 talking to me anymore.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house