I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
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HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned