[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
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My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.