I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
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Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery