if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
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If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”