Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
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Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I ate everything, including the H.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey