My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
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I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating