rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
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I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
me when the borders lift
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing